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So Much He Didn't Know About Me

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He came into my chatroom every night and I loved that he made me laugh.

He wasn't rich, but he would contribute when he could. What I liked best about him was how I looked forward to seeing his member name pop up in my room.

Sure, he was a little bit socially awkward but aren't we all?

He and I both liked to watch old 80's horror movies and we were always getting lost in geeky in-jokes and references.

He always used to say "What I like about you is that you are so honest. You don't pretend to be anything you're not."

When I found out he was seriously ill,in hospital and only had a month to live. I felt as though I was losing one of my real life friends.

I messaged him to find out the hospital so I could send a gift.

I spent hours of my free time emailing him, trying to cheer him up, helping him through his pain.

At first I was happy to be there for him, but his demands kept getting greater.

He started getting angry and passive aggressive when I didn't reply to his emails, and he resented me talking to other guys in my chatroom.

After about a month of this I happened to mention the situation to a cam girl friend of mine. She went quiet. Then asked me what his member name was.

She told me he had done the exact same thing to her a year ago. Told her he was seriously ill in hospital and only had a month to live.

Then become aggressive and tried to get her to stop camming, to meet him in real life and to give him free shows and videos.

I confronted him about it and he flew into a rage. Said my friend was a bitch and a lying whore.

I blocked him immediately.

I felt furious after. He was obviously unstable and emotionally abusive.

But after the white blinding anger passed…I just felt sadness.

We had got on so well, we made each other laugh. I had cared about him.

He always used to say "What I like about you is that you are so honest. You don't pretend to be anything you're not"

We all lie about who we are sometimes. Not just sex workers and clients. We all have our secrets. We play different roles. Even the most honest of us put on different smiles for different people.

I guess I never really knew the "real him". And he thought he knew the real me. He thought he had manipulated me to know all of my secrets.

But there is a hell of a lot he doesn't know about me!



Portuguese version

Ele aparecia na minha sala toda noite e eu amava como ele me fazia rir. Ele não era rico, mas ajudava sempre que podia.

O que eu gostava era como eu ficava ansiosa em ver o nome dele aparecer na minha sala, claro que ele era um pouco introvertido, mas quem não é, não é mesmo?

Nós adoravamos ver filmes de terror dos anos 80 e sempre riamos de piadas nerds. Ele dizia “gosto como você é honesta e não finge ser outra pessoa”.

Quando eu fiquei sabendo que ele estava doente em unm hospital e só tinha um mês de vida, eu senti que estava perdendo meu único amigo. Eu mandava mensagens para descobrir em qual hospital ele estava e mandat presentes, passav horas do meu tempo mandando e-mails e tentando animá-lo, ajudando com sua dor. EU estava feliz por estar lá por ele, mas ele ficava cada vez mais carente.

Ele começou a ficar bravo e agressivo quando eu não respondia seus e-mails, e ele mandava sobre outros caras da minha sala. Depois de um mês disso, eu contei para uma amiga minha tambem cam girl sobre a situação. Ela ficou calada. Então me perguntou qual era o username dele. Ela disse que ele tinha feito o MESMO com ela um ano atrás, que estava doente em hospital e só tinha um mês de vida. Entao ficou agressivo e insistindo pra que ela o encontrasse pessoalmente e shows e videos de graça~!

Eu fui falar com ele sobre isso, e ele ficou muito bravo, disse que minha amiga era uma vadia e uma puta mentirosa!

Eu bloqueei ele depois disso.

Eu me senti furiosa, claro que ele era instavel emocionalmente e totalmente abusivo, mas depois que a raiva passou, eu só senti tristeza.

Nós nos davamos tão bem juntos! Eu me importava com ele tanto. Me fazia rir, dizia “gosto como você é honesta e não finge ser outra pessoa”.

Acho que nós todos mentimos sobre o que somos, não só as pessoas na industria do sexo e os clientes. Nós todos temos nossos pequenos segredos, nós brincamos em papeis diferents e acho que na verdade...eu nunca conheci o verdadeiro ele.

E ele achava que conhecia eu de verdade! Tadinho, achou que me manipulou tão bem e sabia todos os meus segredos.

Mas tem muito mais sobre mim que ele não sabe.


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Photo: Top Right, 'Hug' by Manu Valcarce
'Rosalind' violin/rose image by Vera Rodriguez
for other credits click here.
© Experimental Experience 2018 Photo of our cast hugging from the 2014 teaser performance at Bar Wotever at the Vauxhall Tavern