Social Anxiety and being a Cam Girl

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I became a camgirl 2 years ago, primarily because I wanted to move out of my parents house, and this seemed to be one of the only feasible money making options for me at the time. I suffer from crippling shyness and social anxiety, making interacting with humans something I avoid as much as possible. At the time being interviewed for a job was not something I could even contemplate as a possibility, so working for myself was all I could consider.

Somehow the idea of sitting behind a screen showing strangers my boobs was not an issue in my mind, I've always been fine chatting to people if its all text on a screen, and this didn't seem so very different.

When I explain to the guys watching that I'm too shy to talk I generally get asked how I have the confidence to sit half naked in front of a camera. I don't have much explanation for that other than we all have different comfort levels, and if I feel like I'm supposed to be somewhere I'll feel comfortable, just as long as I'm not asked to talk about myself, or worse-talk dirty.

The site I started on encourages personality and being a bit different, its more about building a rapport with your fans all together in one chat room, than the one to one sessions most other sites focus on. Before I started I didn't really know where my comfort levels were, how much I was willing to show or whether I was willing to do private one to ones with people or not. I just went on with a beer and told everyone I was new and terrified, and they saw fit to ‘show me the ropes', and I soon realised I was willing to do quite a lot, especially if a nice man was paying per minute waiting patiently until I felt comfortable.

I remained mildly terrified for the first few days, which turned out to be pretty lucrative, the more comfortable I got the less I made, which is a shame, but I was enjoying myself and still making reasonable amounts so not a something that I minded. I was going on almost every night for the first month and loving it, I genuinely enjoyed just hanging out playing music and chatting to people, making fun of the regular flow of men coming in and trying to get things for free, and coming up with new creative ways for men to spend money on me. Even on nights where I made next to nothing I was still having fun so I didn't really care.

Since then I have joined other sites, I've moved out, my boundaries have moved, I started talking out loud regularly on cam-something that's helped me to find my voice more in normal life. I still go on and enjoy myself often, but having to make rent makes nights of making nothing less easy to brush off, and my tolerance for idiots and freeloaders has gone down substantially, though all the annoying men are made up for by genuinely lovely ones I'd be sad not to have in my life.

The other sites I work on are more about the one to one sessions than chatting with lots of people, and though I also enjoy them they feel more like work and something I have to make myself do a lot of the time. What many people don't seem to understand is the worst parts about it are not whether or not the men are perfectly charming and polite, though its always refreshing when they are, its the waiting for one of them to decide they're willing to spend money on you, the repetitive ‘hru's and ‘where u from's- as if my location makes the slightest difference to wether or not they'll get to live out their fantasies with me for real. I get a lot of men chatting to me in free chat for ages and they think I must love them because they're vaguely amusing and haven't just come straight in asking if I'll pee for them, but really, if someone has something specific that they want its better they just ask so I can say yes or no, its a transaction, if what they specifically want is to get to know a girl before seeing her nether regions-GREAT; just pay for the time getting to know her. Like any customer service job I'm there to fulfill needs and I'm happy to do that as long they are paying and I am comfortable, and I am very happy that I can block anyone who doesn't understand that.

So being a cam girl is a job I generally enjoy. it can be frustrating as hell. its not reliable income but its reliable enough, it's let me move out, I still struggle with shyness, but I've gained new skills and confidences I couldn't have imagined when I started, I still haven't had a real job interview but I'm working towards it, more as a challenge to myself than because I particularly want a ‘normal' job. I'm under no illusions of the fact that camming is a very ‘safe' option for me, as it allows me to not leave the house and not talk to anyone in person if I don't want to, however it has helped me a lot, just living away from home has been enough of a journey to make it worth it, and if I hadn't started camming I'd probably still be at home struggling to find the courage and motivation to go out and find a ‘real' job.

I've also become more sexually confident, something I've really never been and I've had more enjoyable sexual experiences on cam than I have with humans off cam. Like most things there are good sides and bad sides, but camming isn't something I'd give up happily, its a little world that I'm a part of with great people in it-cammers and customers-which I couldn't just leave behind without feeling like I was a missing a big chunk of myself.

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Photo: Top Right, 'Hug' by Manu Valcarce
'Rosalind' violin/rose image by Vera Rodriguez
for other credits click here.
© Experimental Experience 2024 Photo of our cast hugging from the 2014 teaser performance at Bar Wotever at the Vauxhall Tavern